Things I kind of, sort of hate about Hong Kong: Part I

Let me get this out of the way: Hong Kong is a truly awe-inspiring land. A land of contrasts and plenty and opportunities and hope and peace and convenience stores.

Its subways run on time and don't reek of urine, and there aren't any thugs threatening to kick your ass because you accidentally made eye contact with them. Barbecue pork and rice with a salted egg and choy sum is the most perfect meal ever. Paying for your purchases at 7-11 with your Octopus Card is easy, paying your bills at 7-11 is inspired, and a 7-11 on every corner is genius. Buying medications without a prescription is convenient; buying women is too, if that's your thing. Stores stay open late and on holidays. And you can punch a cop and not only will they not shoot you, you'll only get fined US$60 for it (mileage may vary if you're an illegal mainlander).

Now, the the first in a list of annoyances I've grudgingly learned to accept:

1) It's fair to say that pausing on the stairs in a NYC subway station to read a text message or losing yourself in thought on the sidewalks of Manhattan will lead to either a brutal verbal or physical assault. And I like it that way. Keep moving, Grandma, or do you want another broken hip?

In Hong Kong, you'd think its residents were strolling through a quaint seaside village on a lazy Sunday morn as a refreshing ocean breeze carries the scent of salt water rather than a steel-and-concrete jungle of commerce where the winds bring with them the stench of pollution and stinky tofu.

It's not the snail's pace that bothers me so much (although it still bothers me a lot) as the complete inability to walk in a straight line. In the US, you keep to the right and you don't stagger around like a drunk toddler. Left foot, right foot, straight fucking line. It's quite simple.

Not here. Here, it's like everyone is navigating a minefield only they can see. They abruptly stop and contemplate their next move. They suddenly swerve to the right and then back to the left. And you can't get around them because they can read your mind and will match your movements, and you will be stuck behind them until some tiny opening magically appears and you can dash through it to sweet, fast-paced freedom.

But I've managed to find some fun in it: When someone is coming straight at me and neither one of us knows whether to go to the left or the right, I try to anticipate which way they'll go and I'll go that way too... and again... and again... and again. I like to see how long I can block their path until perhaps something clicks in their brain that makes them see that this problem would be easily avoided if everyone just agreed to stay to the fucking left or right and stuck with that direction.

2) In a quest to become environmentally friendly, a growing number of stores no longer provide plastic bags unless requested, and some charge a nominal fee for them. This wouldn't be so objectionable if more pressing environmental issues were addressed, like the ever-present pollution that causes allergies, asthma and skin problems for many residents.

The pollution is so bad that the Australian government issued a travel advisory about it to its citizens and when "The Dark Knight" filmed scenes here, producers allegedly axed a scene where Christian Bale would jump from a helicopter into Victoria Harbour because they were afraid the industrial waste in the water might melt him.

So, when I break out in hives and my eyes feel like they have shards of glass in them during the walk from my apartment to the grocery store and I'm then greeted by Ping the Merciless who makes me beg like Oliver Twist for a plastic bag and then chides me with, "Next time you bring own bag!" I think someone's priorities are a bit out of order.

Of course, now I do bring my own, even though I normally re-use the bags for garbage. Not because I love the environment but because the rashes and frequent upper respiratory infections make me too weak to fight, and God, Ping is just so much friendlier now that I meet her approval. She even told me about a special they were having on pasta, and she'd never done that before.