Vai pra puta que pariu

After a long break, I've started updating my Slang 101 for Brazilians blog. As mentioned before, a Brazilian guy I met on Orkut inspired my mission. He told me he's an English teacher in São Paulo and that he teaches his students funky-fly slang like "def" because he loves "NY niggaz English," and every week or so, he IMs me to ask for explanations of Wu-Tang Clan lyrics. Yeah, I know. This is a country in need of serious linguistic assistance, and I'm here to help.

For six months, I taught private English classes in São Paulo, and as someone who was hit by a car and broke numerous bones, almost died from bacterial pneumonia, and watched all of "Alone in the Dark" while sober, I can say with some authority that teaching English is the most miserable experience I've ever had.

Mostly because the majority of my students had studied English before but with Brazilian teachers who had invented their own bizarre rules and interpretations of the language (like "gift" and "present" not being interchangeable), and they wanted to fight every step of the way. Of course, this was when they actually showed up, but once I figured out to demand prepayment, I stopped caring if I lost a few hours waiting around for this inevitable phone call:

Student: Teacher, I couldn't make it to class. I'm so sorry!
Me: What happened?
Student: My sister had an accident and needed to go to the hospital!
Me: You don't have a sister.
Student: I meant my sister-in-law.
Me: Your brother isn't married.
Student: I meant my brother's girlfriend. She's like a sister, you know?
Me: Isn't your brother gay?
Student: Um, damn Claro, I think I'm losing the...

So, it's nice to teach English without having to deal with any actual students. Anyone want to offer suggestions as to what Brazilians need to know to get by in our wickety-wack language?