Why didn't you warn me?

Last week, an old friend from New Jersey arrived in Hong Kong for business. His plan was to spend a couple of days here before heading to the mainland to check out his company's factories and then to swing back through on his way home.

I showed him around the city, took him to a fire dragon dance in celebration of the Mid-Autumn Festival and helped him buy gifts for friends and family, including the infinitely useful Cup O' Fuck.

But I didn't warn him about protocol on the mainland. Because it's one of those things you just need to discover on your own. Not that I would discover it on my own, what with having a vagina.

Having a vagina often prevents us from having such zany adventures on business travel, so instead of watching Tom and Jerry cartoons for two hours with a hooker in our hotel room, we end up being dragged from copy-purse store to copy-purse store. Because our bajingos cry out for a knock-off white Chloe bag.

So, we end up hearing these stories from our guy friends and male co-workers. Like my German friend who works in wine distribution and found himself in Shenzhen on business. His clients ordered a hooker for him, but whether it was morals or ethics or a fear of germs, he didn't want to seal the deal.

But he didn't want to appear rude and turn down the offer, so he instead spent the aforementioned two hours in his hotel room watching cartoons with her. The clients were so impressed with his stamina -- he was working her over for two hours! -- they promised to get him two girls the next time he was in town.

Sometimes you can't win for trying.

And so it was that my friend found himself in a karaoke room in Dongguan, with a woman purchased by his company's partner, a woman who was obligated to do anything he wanted in true "Coming to America" style.

This is the conversation I had with him when he returned from his night out because he can tell it better than I can:

(12:38:27 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the owner of the factory and the project manager took me and our chinese agent luke out to dinner
(12:38:38 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and then to a bar in our hotel
(12:38:44 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the hotel is the cinese
(12:39:03 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: it has a massive spotlight on the roof that can be seen from both schenzen and guanzhou
(12:39:12 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: it's a 5 star joint
(12:39:15 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: anyway
(12:39:25 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: we take the elevator to the drunk floor
(12:39:42 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: while on the elevator three drunken chinese dudes barrel in and crash right in to me
(12:39:57 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the owner and manager try to pry them off me and yell at them and seem very embarrassed
(12:40:06 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: only the three drunks speak perfect english
(12:40:16 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: they say nice to meet you and shake my hand
(12:40:35 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: when we get off the elevator we are immediately led to a private "karaoke' room
(12:40:43 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the drunks freak out and beg me to let them come
(12:40:54 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and start yelling about how rich i must be
(12:41:04 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i don't really understand what all that is about
(12:41:12 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: needless to say they are denied entry
(12:41:39 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: we walk in to a giant elaborate room with cushy furniture and a computer and a big ass tv
(12:41:55 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the hostess keeps asking if we need "DJ"
(12:42:05 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and the owner guy keeps saying no
(12:42:12 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: then they parade in a bunch of women
(12:42:39 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: to any normal person it is immediately obvious how uncomfortable i am
(12:42:47 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and they keep demanding that i choose
(12:43:00 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and i keep demanding that they explain in detail wtf is going on
(12:43:10 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: all of the sudden no one speaks english
(12:43:36 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the owner says he has to leave to go check on a mold at the factory so i offer to go with him
(12:43:40 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: everyone laughs
(12:43:45 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i still won't choose
(12:44:03 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: finally the owner grabs a girl and looks at me and i just give him a thumbs up
(12:44:14 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: so i had a girl
(12:44:24 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the two other dudes were not interested in the first line up
(12:44:28 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: so they brought a second
(12:44:35 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: each line up had about 15 girls
(12:44:44 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: all no older than 20
(12:44:56 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: two more ladies were chosen
(12:45:12 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: they told me we would all just drink together and no one had to do anything they didn't want
(12:45:28 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: they offered beer and wine, i explained how i thought that was bullshit
(12:45:33 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i demanded whiskey
(12:45:57 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: they brought in a quarter full bottle of johnny walker
(12:46:11 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and one of the girls tried to split it between 6 glass
(12:46:24 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i figured i was uncomfortable
(12:46:31 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i need to make everyone uncomfortable
(12:46:46 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i made my lady agree to go shot for shot with me
(12:47:03 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: then i picked up all six glasses combined them and swallowed it
(12:47:09 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: everyone got a kick out of it
(12:47:18 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: so my lady obliged
(12:47:24 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: everyone got a kick out of it
(12:47:36 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: then i made the factory manager feel bad because he was trying to sip a shot
(12:47:44 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the hookers were dancing around and making chicken noises
(12:47:46 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: it was awesome
(12:47:51 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: so he gulped a glass
(12:48:05 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: then i did it again with another full glass
(12:48:09 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: everyone gasped
(12:48:20 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the girls got out a carton of milk and started drinking
(12:48:38 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i have no idea what that does but i assume it helps them puke the shit out of their system as fast as possible
(12:48:53 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the manager pulled me aside and asked me not to make him drink any more
(12:48:58 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: i took away the milk
(12:49:03 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and demanded more drinking
(12:49:10 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: by the fourth glass
(12:49:17 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: the manager and his lady were asleep
(12:49:27 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: my agent was confiding in me his deepest secrets
(12:49:34 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: and my lady was puking in the bathroom
(12:49:36 AM) AnonymousNJGuy: then i left